


Story Time with Pickles

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-21
Updated: 2010-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:01:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3506003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A cozy evening around the fireplace with warm holiday drinks, and Pickles tells the story of Jesus’s birth.  (As well as he can remember it, that is.)  Somehow, a few Star Wars things got in here, that’s what I get for letting Pickles tell it I guess.<br/>Warning: A bit blasphemous in places, this is Dethklok after all.  Also, I’m still not wonderful at Pickle-speak, so live with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Story Time with Pickles

They had pulled the furniture closer to the fire, making a rough semi-circle. Nathan, Skwisgaar, and Murderface were on the couch. Charles had one chair and Pickles had the other. Toki was sitting on the floor near Pickles, and leaning against the couch. They held an assortment of drinks, all of them containing some amount of alcohol.

Since no one was around to know about it, they were feeling a _tiny_ amount of holiday spirit. (Or maybe it was just that they were all a bit drunk.) Toki had suggested that someone tell a story, and Pickles had volunteered. After discussing several options, they had settled on the Christmas story. It was a rather nostalgic choice, but it was that time of the year.

“Alreet, I haven’t heard this since I was a kid, so I’m prah’bly gonna git sahm of it wrong. But ya wanted me ta tell it, so don’t correct me, okie? Thet means ya too, Charlie.”  
Everyone nodded agreeably. Most of them hadn’t though about that story since their days of school nativity plays and Christmas Eve candlelight services with their parents, so it wasn’t exactly fresh in their minds. Toki was the exception of course, but he was also the most agreeable.

“Okie, so Joseph an’ Mary are ridin’ a donkey ta Bethlehem because... I don’t rally remember, but they had ta. An’ Mary is all about ta have a baby, even though she’s supposively a vergin. But Ol' Joe is cool with thet ‘parently, ‘cause she said thet God knocked her up.”  
Skwisgaar looked thoughtful, religion probably hadn’t been part of his childhood. “Mine mom says dat. Maybe I ams Jesus, ja? I wonders if we can be testings dis?”  
“I schay we kill you and schee if you come back from the dead.”

Charles decided to intervene before they really decided to kill Skwisgaar. “There’s a quicker way to test this.” He held up a glass of water he’d been also sipping.” Skwisgaar, turn this water into wine.”  
Skwisgaar did his best, squinting in concentration, but nothing happened.  
“There, he’s not Jesus. And there’s no need to kill him.” Charles set his glass back down. “Pickles, please continue.”

“Alreet, so anyway they finally git ta Bethlehem, an’ it’s as crowded as one of our shows. All tha hotels are alreedy full an’ shit, ya know? So Joe, he’s all worried thet Mary’s gonna pop out thet kid any minute, raight? So he asks tha desk dude if they can stay in tha barn. An’ the dude is all, yeah whatever, but I’m chargin’ ya anyway. An’ Joe’s all, fine, gimme tha key. An’ tha dude is, it’s a feckin’ barn, there is no key. Jest go in. So Joe’s all, why tha feck did I jest pay ya if I could’ve jest walked in? An’ they would’ve kept arguing, but Mary’s all, let’s jest go alreedy, so they did.”

Pickles handed his empty glass down to Toki, who refilled it from a pitcher on the floor by him. Then he took a drink and continued. “So they git ta tha barn, and Ol' Joe sticks Mary inna stall. But they’ve gatta latta blankets an’ shit, so it’s naught so bad rally. Then Mary starts chokin’ Joe, because she’s all in labor now and tha real dad isn’t there ta choke. An’ chicks in labor choke people, if ya have a dick they wanna kill ya.”  
“Ja, he ams rights. Mine GMILFS tell me de stories.”

“Anyway, she has tha baby pritty quick and they stick him inna manger thing ‘cause newborn babies are rally disgusting and who wants ta hold thet?”  
“She amn’ts a virgins.”  
“Tha story says she is.”  
“Pfft, no ways she has de baby dat fast! Mine GMILFS tell me alls about how longs it takes for their grandkids to get borns, de first one usually takes _days_.”

“Whats?! Are you callings Mary a ho?” Toki had more religion shoved down his throat than the others.  
“Maybe I ams. I would does her, I tink.”  
Charles decided to intervene before the next great Scandinavian war broke out. “It’s just a story, of course some parts might not make complete sense. And besides, nobody wants to hear about a woman in labor for days.”  
“I DON’T! Skwisgar, shut up! Pickles, keep telling the story!”

“Okie, so then there’s these three king dudes in tha Orient, which is like in China or sahmthin’, an’ they see this rally bright star in tha distance. An’ they’re all like, dudes, thet baby we’re gonna make a religion outta is born, we gotta bring ‘im some gifts tonight! So they git on their flyin’ things, like in Return of tha Jedi, an’ they were in Bethlehem in no time.”  
“They don’ts fly! They has camels!” Toki was objecting again.  
“Toki, they git frahm China ta Bethlehem in one night! Okie, I don’t rally know where Bethlehem is, but I’m pritty sure it’s far away frahm China.”

Pickles looked at Charles for help, but Charles only smiled and made the zipped-lip gesture, the douchebag. Fortunately, Nathan intervened again.  
“Toki, just shut up and let Pickles tell the story! He does have a point! And you know, Star Wars was a long time ago... they could have still had this shit when Jesus was born.”  
“Wowee, those was reals?”  
“Probably. I mean, Moses used the force to do the Red Sea thing, right? Huh, Moses was a Jedi, I never realized that before.”

Charles sighed. “Could we get back to the story before you all get _completely_ sidetracked?”  
“Yeah, I wants to get back to the story too!”  
“Stop copies de butlers.”  
“Cahm on ya guys! Do ya wanna hear this or naught? Shaddup!”  
Everyone shut up, but also refilled their drinks.

“Okie, so tha Wise Men git ta Bethlehem, but they don’t know what baby it is. So they stawp an’ ask this shepherd dude, and he’s all, raight over there! ‘Cause sahm angel dudes, or chicks, I don’t rally know, told him. So tha Wise Men go ta the hotel’s barn, and they’re like, we’re here ta see tha baby. Which was totally naught creepy at all back then. An’ Joe is all, sure dudes, check ‘im out! An’ tha Wise Guys whip out tha presents they brought and all kneel down an’ all.”

“Tells about the presents!”  
Pickles shot Toki a slightly annoyed look, but continued. “So the first dude, he gives ‘im gold, an’ tha other two give ‘im frankincense and myrrh.”  
“Gold is a terrible present for a baby! I mean, if he doesn’t just you know, eat it, then his parents are gonna spend it! And what’s that other shit anyway?”  
“It’sch oils for funeralsch. They usched to usche a lot of schmelly schtuff scho you didn’t notice the schmell of the bodiesch rotting.”

“Dat ams a terrible presents to be givings to a baby! Dat ams like saysing, you ams born, now go dies.”  
“Brutal. Oh hey, I just thought of something! Maybe the star was really a comet and Jesus is really an alien like Superman? You know, that they found?”  
That’sch schilly, if they found Jeschusch then what did they do with Mary’sch baby?”  
“Uh, I don’t know? Maybe they ate it or something.”  
“YOU’S RUININGS THE STORY!”

“Heh, sahrry Toki. But I think tha story’s over anyhow, thet’s how it ends with tha Wise Guys givin’ their presents.”  
“Oh, rights. Pickle? Will you tells another one?”  
“Naught tonight, alreet? But maybe sahmtime.”  
“Yous shoulds. Dat actuallies didn’t completely suck. I woulds listen to mores.”  
“Naught tonight. I feel like sahm hawt tub time now, ya wanna join me?  
They all did.


End file.
